the post about guilt

well, it's that time of year again, the time when the summer is officially over, school is back in session, and people start coming back to church. at this time, i have to keep reminding myself *not* to say one particular four letter word, one four letter word that is the mack-daddy (are we still saying mack daddy?) of the long list of four letter words that ms. reverend... or not tries not to say and yet invariably says...

y'all, the word is "miss."

surprised? let me back up for a minute here.

i've found that i simply cannot say to a parishioner "i've missed you." when i was a wee ordained lass, and did not have all of 1.1 years of ordained experience under my belt, i would occasionally utter the dreaded three word phrase. now, when i said to a parishioner, "i've missed you," i meant something like this: "hey, it's been awhile since i've seen you. i think you're kinda neat, and i like having you around, so it's good to see you again."

the response i received was, with shockingly little variation, something to this effect: "well, uh, we've been, uh, busy. work has been awful, my parents are sick, the kids have soccer games and swim meets and violin rehearsals during church, and, wouldn't you know, the beloved family gerbil died, too."

from this, i gather what they thought i was trying to say went something like this: "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN CHURCH IN WEEKS!!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS WORM, OR RISK ETERNAL DAMNATION!"

it makes me sad and actually a little angry that it seems (from my totally unscientific, anecdotal evidence) that the human emotional trump card of guilt is dwarfing all else, including the chance that i actually, in fact, merely missed said person or family, nothing more, nothing less. i like feeling as if i'm able to speak my mind when i want, something which has gotten me into trouble more than once. i've been willing to pay that price because i feel the cost is my authenticity. since i made a conscious decision not to tell parishioners i've missed them, i wonder why i've made an exception.

i think the answer goes a little something like this: i grew up in the south, where guilt, particularly within families, is nothing less than an art form. i don't even know how many times i've been blindsided by guilt, some of it well-deserved, some not at all deserved in any form or fashion. because of the many, many ways and times guilt has been used on me to try and get me to do or not do things, i'm not a big fan of people purposefully trying to make me feel guilty, so i try not to inflict that on others if i can possibly help it.

i suppose, then, there's a certain irony in the fact that i'm employed by an institution that, when it comes down to it, may have not been able to sustain itself without the use of guilt. which makes me wonder: is it okay for me to play the guilt card for greater ends? my knee jerk reaction is to say, "no, of course not; that's an abuse of power and position." to be fair, though, to be the devil's advocate, what am i missing, if anything at all, by trying to give guilt the proverbial heave-ho?