Due Dates and Other Such Nonsense

I am due today.
I am not dilated or effaced.
I don't need to time any contractions.
I don't need to call the doctor or the doula.

I know it's just an estimate, blahblahblah, but come on. Come ON.

And, btw, if anyone needs a list of how to naturally induce labor, I could compile a master one from a bunch of helpful, well-meaning people that I'm thisclose to strangling:

*eat oysters
*go for a long walk
*go for a ride on a bumpy road (this one is very popular)
*eat spicy foods (how does this work when you've done it throughout the pregnancy? it doesn't.)
*unpack the hospital bag
*start a project (example given: painting the bathroom)
*jump up and down (either with a jump rope or on a trampoline)
*schedule something you're really looking forward to (this is a murphy's law type one)

Is it just me, or is there something about some of these that seem vaguely reminiscent of unsuccessful home remedies for NOT getting pregnant in the first place?

For the record, neither caster oil nor sex has been suggested. Maybe people don't want to say "caster oil" or "sex" to their priest.

Incidentally, if saying, "You're still here?"or "The baby hasn't come yet?" could send one into labor, I would have had the baby a million times over.

Did Y'all See This?

I've started reading Sensual Orthodoxy, as I think I might be kicked off a board I'm on if I don't read it soon. When I started snooping around on the internet about the preacher, I found this:

It made me laugh and sigh. Thoughts/reactions?

Image from House of Mercy

deep thoughts, by pregnant woman

dear james william/claire covington,

don't you want to come out now? 'cause i want you to come out. so does your dad. i know you're supposed to be in there just a little longer, but i'm ready to hold you (on the outside). and i'm not going to lie to you: the fact that i'm bored and a little uncomfortable are playing into this as well.

love,
mom

So what do you do when Malibu Barbie Dream Job comes open, you're about to have a new baby, you know selling your house would be really hard, MBDJ is only 75% time and you're carrying the family's health insurance right now, and your husband's job is pretty secure and well-paying?

Pregnancy Comments: Vote for Your Least Favorite!

So, which of these three is the most annoying?

• "You haven't had the baby yet?!" and/or "You haven't popped yet?" Um, no, I haven't. That much is obvious. Plus, I just hit the two weeks before ETA yesterday. To have had it before then would have been a statistical anomaly (95% of women birth between 38 and 42 weeks). But when I do, I imagine that the verb "popping" will not come all that much into play.
• "You're going to go late." Why would anyone say that? They don't know. Granted, I don't either. But to say it when there's no way of knowing is just mean.
• "You're so big/fat/huge!" Well, one day I will have the baby and won't be fat anymore. But you'll still be rude and insensitive.

I'm also not a fan of "How are you feeling?" but think that the question is most of the time very well-intentioned, unlike some of the above statements.

Favorite comment, even if it's a lie: some variation of "You look great!" or "You're doing great!"

Ash Wednesday

Kid: Why are we doing this? (this = getting the ash crosses on the head)
Grown-up: So we can remember that we will die and that Jesus loves us.
Kid: We should just watch a movie. People would remember it better.

random thoughts of pregnancy and such

i dreamt i was going to have the baby today (feb 20) a few weeks ago. that same night, i also dreamed that the baby was a water bottle. i couldn't tell if the baby/water bottle was hot or cold (water bottles' emotions are hard to read), but i decided it was hot, so i put it in a water fountain in paris to cool it off. all of that is a way of saying that i'm wary of the predictive properties of my dreams. good thing, as it's now 9 p.m., and no baby.

overall, i'm uncomfortable, though apparently not nearly as uncomfortable as many people are at this point, from the comments i'm getting.

i try hard not to stay attached to the due date, b/c it means basically nothing as a date in and of itself. i've figured out why it's hard not to become attached to it-- everyone asks you every 2.4 seconds when you're due when you're this pregnant. every time i say "march 11," i feel a little "march 11" groove being made in my brain, setting me up for disappointment if i'm late and making me feel like i somewhat panicy about the baby coming somewhat early.

i'm ready to be a giant contradiction on ash wednesday. i wonder if anyone will consider the irony of a very pregnant woman smearing ashes on his/her forehead. well, i'll get a kick out of it, if nothing else.

and that's that.